Stump of a Muffin

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else.

The neighbourhood watch is having a meeting about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited.

People probably wouldn’t think I’m so antisocial if they’d just stop talking to me.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.  Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

If you photoshop out the wine glasses you’re left with a pic of rich white people flashing gang signs.

Getting a little sick of these email alerts from my bank implying I’m unbalanced.

Is it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol?

I wish my wife would let me show her who’s boss around here.