Stump of a Muffin

It occurs to me that they’re not too many banks left with the word “trust” in their name, are there?

When you set big, powerful, life-changing goals, it’s as if the Universe gets behind you… and gives you a wedgie.

I cut my drinking in half by eliminating the orange juice in these screwdrivers.

You know you’re getting old when the bank sends your free calendar one month at a time.

I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

I assume full responsibility for my actions. Except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who’d rather quit and go drink.

Learning to live with my imperfections is getting surprisingly easier now that I’ve met you.

My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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